3:10am.......07.07.2013

ami konovabei adjust korte partesina eteer shathe. o already amake onek shock dise mentally ami london theke deshe back korar por theke. amake shobar kache choto korse, bodnam korse, shobar shamne amar shathe baje vabe kotha bolse, 1bar paracetamol kheye suicide attempt nise....r goto kal amake etao bollo je amar mentality naki onek nichu maner. o onek adhunik r ami puran dhan dharona niye achi. ajkal naki wife mane r husband er kotha shuna ba mon rokkha korar bapar nai, ajkal shobai shadhin r keu kauke ja korte jai, ta te mana kora jabe na.

goto kichudin dhore ami oke bole ashtesilam or babar bari(jatrabari) beraye ashte 3diner jonno.goto 2din age o amake bollo je 5din thakle amar apotti ache ki na. ami bollam 5din thakle tumi 1-2din age jao, then amar shathe chole aisho 5din pore. but hartal er karone o 5din match korte partesilona, 4din hochchilo tai o bollo na, ami jeno oke rekhe chole ashi. ami oke bujhaye bollam je eta ami like korina. but erpor o r amar shathe normal achoron kore nai goto 3din. amar shathe 1room e thaktese, 1 bichanai ghumachche but amar shathe kono kotha bola ba amar kachakachio thakche na.

eije baparta, eta ajke notun na. ami biyer por thekei dekhe ashtesi eta. o prochondo egoshomponnno 1ta meye. r prochondo ghar tera type. o kauke care kore na even amake mukher upor etao bole dise je amar proti or respect naki onek agei chole geche. shotti kotha bolte ami oke ghrina feel korte shuru korsi or attitude er karone. ami jani na amar ki kora uchit but ami asholei oke r feel kortesina r prochondo ekakitter koshto vog kortesi......

ami gotokal shararat ghumainai, 6.30 ta porjonto jege chilam, ghumate parinai mon eto kharap chilo.....but etee kintu khub aram kore ghumaise. same bapar ajkeo. o khub aram kore ghumachche but ami ghumate partesina. othocho shokale amar office chilo gotokal, ajkeo ache. shorirtao kharap hoye portese.

Allah jei porikkhai amake felse, shei porikkhai pasher upai ki, ta ami jani na. but ami mentally venge porsi. bashai show kortesi ami thik achi but ashole ami ekdom valo nai. ghorer bou jokhon shotrur moto achoron kore, tokhon r ki kichu valo lage???

etee jodi amar shathe normal jhogra korto, amar kharap lagtona totota but amar proti or kono feelings ba respect nai, sheta ami or ghumonto shorir dekhe bujhte partesi. janina allah ashole ki chai. ... jani na, ei eteer shathei amake whole life katate hobe naki kono 1 din etee loyal hobe amar proti naki baki life ta eka othoba onno kono meyeke niye katate hobe....jani na janina.....shudhu eituk jani je ami manusher moddhe jei jinishgulo hate kori, eteer moddhe shegulo ache....amar shathe mukhe mukhe torko kora, beyadobi kora, mittha bola onek boro dhoronero, amake shobar chokhe choto banano.....egulo or kache kono bapar na.
gotokal o amar shathe jhogra korar jonno thash kore dorja 2ta bondho korse amader roomer....othocho shekhane ammu boshe ache.....kotota beyadob hoile emon kaj korte pare 1ta meye!!!!

Allah er kache shudhu etuk chai je uni jeno amar proti doya koren. jei manusher wife husbandke porwa kore na, shei familyte kokhonoi shukh ashena....Allah amake ei ovishap theke bachao.

3.28PM; 07 Nov'13

04.01.2013

bochorer shuruta dekhe mone hoisilo oshomvob voyonkor jabe bochorta but matro 3din por ulta ta mone hochche....mone hochche shob thik howa start korse!

eteer shathe normally kotha hochche ekhon, sheishob voyonkor baje dingula overcome korte partesi amra hoito....dekhi allah ki rakhse kopale.

4.45am; 5.1.13

03.03.2013
ajke onno koita diner cheye onek better feel kortesi. etee amake koekbar email e sorry bolse r amar mone hoise oke maf kora uchit amar ebarer moto. ami phone disi r or shathe onekkhon kothao bolsi. jani na future e abar kono problem hobe ki na but ebare jotota problem hoise amar mone hoi ercheye kichu kom problem holeo ami r nite parbona sheta....r eta etee bujhte parse amar dharona. ekhon dekha jak allah ki rakhse amader kopale.

r 2013 er 1st 3 din e amar khelar result besh valo bolte hobe...prai £800 cover hoye gese already.... jodi r kichudin evabe chole, tahole onekgulo jhamela theke ber hote parbo..oneker loan shodh kora possible hobe. janina allah ki likhe rakhse kopale, but asha kortesi shob valo hobe.

3.20am; 04/02/2013 

02.01.2013....ajke r eteer shathe kotha boli nai...ki bolbo bujhte partesilam na...jekhane kono kichui khap khachche na, shekhane bolar r ki thakte pare....but o amake 1ta email dise shokale jekhane likhse je o last chance chachche jeta diye o try korbe shob thik korar ekhon theke......ami erpor ajke rupar shathe onek khon alap korsi shob bapar niye, joe er shathe alap korsi r gotokal raate zubaidar shathe alap hoise....ora shobai bolse jodio eta oboshshoi oporadh korse etee, amar uchit oke 1ta chance dewa.

amar eta vebe kharap lagtese je oke ami shottie khub bishshash korsilam kintu o value dilona amar bishshasher. ...but life tou boshe thake na, so amake decision nite hobe ajkaler moddhe je ki kora uchit r ki na kora uchit.....r amio chai jodi arekbar shundor kore shuru kora jai, tahole to kono problem nai, dekhi na oke last chance diye! but amader 2joner mentality eto beshi different je shotti bolte ami convince hote partesina je asholei amra happy hote parbo. jai hok, dekhi allah ja rakhse kopale.

etee ke ajke 1ta email disi kichu kotha likhe r eta janaye je ami amader relationtake arekta chance dilam shamne nebar r ami oke kalke call o debo.

01.01.2013

karo bochorer prothom din eto kharap gese ki na ami janina but amar jonno ercheye baje start r hoi nai eporjonto....amar wife ajke amake bolse je o amake mittha bole ashchilo even 1week age porjonto. ami shorol mone oke bishshash korsi shob shomoi, konodin shondeho porjonto korinai, r o amar shathe protarona korse...bivinno shomoi kotha hide kora, chotokhato kichu mittha bola, egulo niye ami onek oshuntoshto chilam age thekei but goto 7 din amader life e shudhui oshanti choltese jedin theke jante parsi or ammu mittha bolse amar ammur naame r amake niyeo question tulse.

ajke amake etee bolse je 1 week age ami jokhon etee ke bolsilam jeno o mogbazar giye na thake, karon eta amar pochondo na, tokhon o amake bolsilo o mogbazar e nai, o ache jatrabarite...3din o evabe chalaise amake dhoka diye...r o shobaike bole dise jate keu amake najanai o jatrabarite na jeye mogbazar e ache.....amar shorol bishshash o venge dise. amake bolse amake promise kortese je r kokhonoi amar shathe mittha bolbe na, kotha lukabena....but ei promise o ageo korse, r kokhonoi rakhe nai.....amar ki uchit oke arekbar chance dewa?? o amar shathe je oporadh korse, eta maf korar try korsi ami but partesina.....dhokabaji jinishta ami voyonkor hate kori...ami janina r possible ki na orshathe relation rakha.

01.01.2013....jedin amar wife ke amar r amar kono apon keu bolei mone hochche na....what a start of the year!

                                                               1.54am, 02.01.2013

31.12.2012

bochorta shesh hoye gelo.
kemon gelo? nah, 1 kothai bola possible na asholei.
bochorer shurute mone hoisilo eta hobe amar best year. karon ami amar life partner paisi ei bochore.
r bohu bochor por dekha hoise rupa-ammu-abbur shathe.
but bochorer shesh koita din eteer ammu, shumon r shumoner ma...era amar naame jeshob kotha barta bolse, r amar ammuke choto korar try korse bivinno khetre, ami ta te khubi shocked. r etee or ammuke shobai blame dichche eta mene nite partesena r ami feel kortesi je amader 2joner moddhe 1ta distance toiri hoise.

r khelar kotha bolle ei year eo onek loss. ami besh koekbar hard attempt nisilam ekebare bondho kore debar but shesh porjonto rakhte pari nai. but ei year e amar biggesh decision holo bd te forever chole jawa. r ei decision nebar por ammu-abbu-rupa-etee shobai khushi hoisilo but etee er ammu khub oshuntoshto hoise karon ami etee ke london niye jai nai....r etheke 1ta reshareshi...

r ullekh joggo bolte ja hoise ta holo bexley college e ami permanent hoisilam, ekhon sheta chere chole jete hobe vebe kharap lagtese. karon goto 6 years agencyr through te temporary teaching korei permanent hote parsilam r tokhoni kina job chere chole jabar shiddhanto nite holo!

amar ei shiddhanter pichone koekta karon....1.ami london e r eka thakte partesina, i need my parents, sister and wife with me....jeta ekhon london e thakle possible na. secondly, jehetu ami age thekei decided chilam je settle hobo bd te, so sheta korar right time eitai karon ekhon biye korsi, career o joto joldi start okhane set up kora uchit.

onekei eta support kortesena je ami bd te jawar decision nisi but decision ta amar nijer newa r ei decision e amar kacher manushgulo amake support korse, ami tatei khushi.

so, over all bolte gele ei bochorta amar jonno frustration er 1ta bochor. biye holo but wife er shathe onek baparei match korte problem hochche. .... bd te jabar decision nilam, but taka poisha, career shob kichu 1ta onishchoitar moddhe porse....kacher manushra amake support korlo but amar naame aje baje kotha bole eteer familyr manushra amake r amar kacher manushguloke onek hurt korse....shob milaye ami bolbo bochorta amar valo jai nai....r by the way, shara bochor taka poishar shongkot tou legei chilo.

shotti opekkha kortesi 1ta better year 2013 er jonno....asholei ki better kichu wait kortese? naki aro voyonkor kichu wait kortese shamne??

                                                                                                                           2.44am; 31/12/2012